Understanding. Can We Live Without It?

by

John Stephen Mauldin, MLA (not AI-assisted)

All right reserved, copyright © 2025

After satisfying physiological needs such as air, water, food, and shelter, we seek to gratify the need for safety. Should we possess that divine mixture of virtue and intellect that beckoned us up and away from the primordial swamp, we seek to be understood. We anticipate and pursue that fineness of feeling that comes only from the understanding of another human, for without its transcendental validation of our true self, we are lost and alone, although we live in a palace.

To be understood is the involuntary, unconscious alchemy of pulsating light from another's eyes, their complexion, their calm demeanor from their every cell to ours. And so, we give and take life.

In other words, a region in the brain known as the hypothalamus produces a bonding hormone, oxytocin, which makes us keenly aware of loving vibrations. I know because a neurologist said so.

Without the lofty-sounding words of a scientist, we know we need to be understood. But at the same time, science proves what we might doubt.

For instance, two groups of children—one raised with their family, the other raised in an orphanage—played an interactive computer game with their mothers and then a woman who was a stranger. "The 30-minute game involved timed 'tickling, patting on the head, counting each other's fingers, [and] whispering in each other's ears.' Studies in animals have shown that such pleasant physical contact leads to a rise in oxytocin levels—a hormone that seems to help form secure relationships—particularly when the touch comes from a relative. Although the family-reared children showed the expected rise in oxytocin levels when touched by their mothers, the orphans did not exhibit as strong a response." 1

Why did the absence or presence of loving touches make that profound difference? The irreducible dynamics of those approving touches were understanding.

There are many ways to be understood. Genghis Kahn gained an understanding of perfect clarity with fire and sword. Cleopatra caused Julius Ceasar to understand her with charm royale and a superior intellect. The Great Heathen Army of invading Vikings understood King Alfred the Great because of his uncommon valor.

Yet most of us will take a humbler path, especially if we wish to maintain a delicate relationship that we value. Maybe seeking to understand before we try to be understood is a wise choice.

For example, a co-worker often interrupted me and could not hear me when I tried to speak because he had so much to say. I would regularly try to say something two or three times before he could finally hear me.

That continued for over a year when I decided I needed to say something about it. However, I wanted to be subtle and not rude. So, I asked, "Would you do me a favor? Would you please think about how I can become a better person?"  

Two weeks passed, and I asked him if he had thought of any ways I could improve. He told me, and I genuinely listened. He was right. I agreed with him and began concrete, definitive steps to improve that part of my personality. Because I listened, I earned the right, so to speak, to mention his habit of talking over me.

Seeking to understand his feelings before expecting him to understand mine worked, and we now understand each other much better.

We can, indeed, live without the empathy of others, but we will not be fully alive. So, perhaps this simple approach will help.

Understanding. We can't live without it.

1. Biello, David, "Orphaned Babies Show Hormone Disruption Years After Adoption," Scientific American, 2005.